So, as you can probably determine from my previous post, I am very stressed out with all this baby making stuff. Well, Im going to vegas for new years. It is 7 hour drive and I have friends down there to stay with for a few days.
The down side:
My husband has to stay here.
The up side:
Its fucking vegas baby!
Im staying with my good and old friend Jose (he's gay so my husband is not worried in the slightest) New Years eve we'll probably go out on the strip, and then fri and saturday Im on my own. He works, so Ill be out to journey the town. Sunday he has off so we'll probably do lots of stuff. So it should be an alright trip. Sucks I have to drive down there all alone, but cool I get to see Jose again.
My husband has his guy weekend. My dilemma.... should I be concerned? NAH. We've been together forever, and married for three years. We're past the honeymoon stage, but not to the "im sick of you" stage, so no worries here.
I won't drink tho, just in case.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
As the battle continues
When I began to write this, I hoped to get to those who were as lost as I was when I was diagnosed. I was feeling so motivated since I had worked so hard, and done all I could to get better. That included eating healthier, taking vitamins, working out, and learning everything I could.
I feel that might come to an end.
The symptoms have come back with brute force. The enemy, I fear, is near.
I have been having severe acne, and mood swings like you would not believe. My poor husband has had to endure my wrath, more so than he should. I feel really bad about this. He shouldn't have to listen to me rant on about nothing.
For example - my sister. My sister and I are fighting about nothing. Well, I should specify the battle is mostly one sided on her end. She had promised another family member she would baby sit about a couple weeks ago, and I was unfortunately ill. When she called and requested I take her place on her promise and I refused to watch kids for fear I might be contagious, she flipped out. Since then she has blamed me for everything. She has a history of burning bridges and lying, but I never thought for a moment this would effect us. We had a sisterly bond, and she has left it as if leaving a favorite sweater behind on a vacation. You want it, but you're too proud to turn around and get it.
On top of that, I took a pregnancy test today - negative. Although it's early. I should test the forth, but I fear it is going to be negative. I have been having abdominal cramps again, and that means one of two things - period or PCOS.
I wish I could explain accurately the intensity of my displeasure for this, but I could not give my feelings justice - even if I tried. I feel like I want to cry, or scream, or even both. A year has past since my husband and I have decided to have a baby, and when hope is near, it was snatched away. Sometimes I feel like a higher power is punishing me because of my lack of faith. Then he teases me, than punishes me again. The feeling is.... painful.
However, my working out has improved dramatically. My mile time is 10:54 in high altitudes, without breaking a sweat, which helps me feel better about myself. I also was able to go shopping and buy new pants, a size I have not been in years. Two years to be exact. I haven't felt this good about myself since... never. I even went ahead and spent more money on the good pairs instead of the cheap ones just so I know they will last. Shopping - good for the woman's soul... or mind at least.
For those who are battling the same battle, I wish you good luck. I know how it feels, and how everything is different for us because we can never be sure because of PCOS. Its hard not knowing. Its hard not having definite answers. It's just hard. I just hope my story can help you, and possible even motivate you to do whatever it is your trying to accomplish. Whether it be a baby, or that new job you want.
For those who do not have PCOS, pray, or hope for us is all I ask. This battle is almost a fight that cannot be won. Its a shameful reality, but it's there. I wish there as a way to explain how horrible of a disease this is, and how hard it is to overpower and come to terms with it.
Think of it this way, you're a woman with impossible odds. A reduced chance of having a child of your own, and almost no way to lose weight. Do you have any idea what that does to a person's self esteem? Its... indescribable. All I know is I was 18 years old once, fit - size 8... than four months later I was 40 lbs heavier and emotionally traumatized.
I know there are things to help calm PCOS, and I have tried. I have tried so hard. I work out, I take my meds, I check my blood sugar, and now I feel like all hope is lost. I feel broken, and that feeling is horrible.
So please, all of you, wish me luck, and hope.
I feel that might come to an end.
The symptoms have come back with brute force. The enemy, I fear, is near.
I have been having severe acne, and mood swings like you would not believe. My poor husband has had to endure my wrath, more so than he should. I feel really bad about this. He shouldn't have to listen to me rant on about nothing.
For example - my sister. My sister and I are fighting about nothing. Well, I should specify the battle is mostly one sided on her end. She had promised another family member she would baby sit about a couple weeks ago, and I was unfortunately ill. When she called and requested I take her place on her promise and I refused to watch kids for fear I might be contagious, she flipped out. Since then she has blamed me for everything. She has a history of burning bridges and lying, but I never thought for a moment this would effect us. We had a sisterly bond, and she has left it as if leaving a favorite sweater behind on a vacation. You want it, but you're too proud to turn around and get it.
On top of that, I took a pregnancy test today - negative. Although it's early. I should test the forth, but I fear it is going to be negative. I have been having abdominal cramps again, and that means one of two things - period or PCOS.
I wish I could explain accurately the intensity of my displeasure for this, but I could not give my feelings justice - even if I tried. I feel like I want to cry, or scream, or even both. A year has past since my husband and I have decided to have a baby, and when hope is near, it was snatched away. Sometimes I feel like a higher power is punishing me because of my lack of faith. Then he teases me, than punishes me again. The feeling is.... painful.
However, my working out has improved dramatically. My mile time is 10:54 in high altitudes, without breaking a sweat, which helps me feel better about myself. I also was able to go shopping and buy new pants, a size I have not been in years. Two years to be exact. I haven't felt this good about myself since... never. I even went ahead and spent more money on the good pairs instead of the cheap ones just so I know they will last. Shopping - good for the woman's soul... or mind at least.
For those who are battling the same battle, I wish you good luck. I know how it feels, and how everything is different for us because we can never be sure because of PCOS. Its hard not knowing. Its hard not having definite answers. It's just hard. I just hope my story can help you, and possible even motivate you to do whatever it is your trying to accomplish. Whether it be a baby, or that new job you want.
For those who do not have PCOS, pray, or hope for us is all I ask. This battle is almost a fight that cannot be won. Its a shameful reality, but it's there. I wish there as a way to explain how horrible of a disease this is, and how hard it is to overpower and come to terms with it.
Think of it this way, you're a woman with impossible odds. A reduced chance of having a child of your own, and almost no way to lose weight. Do you have any idea what that does to a person's self esteem? Its... indescribable. All I know is I was 18 years old once, fit - size 8... than four months later I was 40 lbs heavier and emotionally traumatized.
I know there are things to help calm PCOS, and I have tried. I have tried so hard. I work out, I take my meds, I check my blood sugar, and now I feel like all hope is lost. I feel broken, and that feeling is horrible.
So please, all of you, wish me luck, and hope.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Dedication
Over the course of the past three years, since my unimaginable diagnosis of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) I have gone from giving up, to unbelievably dedicated.
For the few who may not understand what PCOS is, it is the leading cause of infertility in women. Some may not even know they have it. It is, however, very common.
With this diagnosis, accompanied symptoms. Ones that I hadn't thought about, but were. Like hair grown on the body, hair loss on the scalp, weight gain, irregular to no periods, high cholesterol, insulin resistance, and acne.
I had gained 40 lbs in a few months, and had no idea what was going on. It came at me with a vengance. It seemed I had accumulated all the symptoms at once. It was rather embarrassing to me. I mean, here I was, a newly wed, gaining weight, losing hair, and being stressed out. I had never thought it was all part of something "common".
After I was diagnosed, and my wonderful husband helped me through the aftermath of the horrible infertility diagnosis, I gave up. I didn't care I could become diabetic because of this. I didn't care my cholesterol could raise to the point of possible stroke, and at merely 18 years old at the time. I gave up. Completely.
It wasn't until I had gained more weight, and an all-time high weight of 211 lbs. (When I was diagnosed, I was 150 lbs.) I had also been officially diagnosed with type two diabetes. Now, I work with type one diabetics, so I know little about type two, but when I was officially diagnosed, it was like a light flipped in my head. I should not only get better for me, but for kids, and for my husband. I was sick, VERY sick, and I had made myself that way. I had ignored the obvious and used it as an excuse. I was no longer going to allow that.
I snapped into gear. I revved my engine, and drove at an all time high.
I began to work out (at first 6 days a week) and eat healthier. My goal - to have a normal period. I had not had one in a year at this point, and if we were to have kids, this would need to be my first goal. Weight was no longer an issue, just the ability to bear children would be enough.
I worked out. At first, unable to run a mile. I joined the military at a young age, and used to be able to run two miles without hesitation, and now, I was unable to run a mile without feeling as if I would die of suffocation. I felt shameful. (This is just to prove this can happen to anyone.)If I would be able to have a normal period, than I knew that infertility would not be an issue for me. Then the battle would lie solely with weight.
Six months later, I can not only run a mile, but I can do it in 10:38 while working out 3 days a week. I can also, on top of that, go 10 minutes on an elliptical, and jump-rope without breaking a sweat. I have also lost 12 lbs. Over the past 5 months, I have also had three natural periods. Natural. Meaning drugs had nothing to do with them. A feat indeed. I know, 6 months and only 12 lbs - its rather disconcerting, but anything is better than nothing, and another symptom is inefficiency for losing weight. I knew that would be a battle, and just hoped for better health instead.
The better news.
I had a blood drawn and I have also successfully ovulated. Although, with PCOS, we cannot be sure if the follicle developed into an egg instead of a cyst, but we can be hopeful. the fact my hormones were in normal ranges to specify ovulation is a hopeful secure sign.
The opposing side to this rampage-
I had avoided high cholesterol until now. Although getting everything else in check, my cholesterol has sky-rocketed. My husband has been very helpful on this journey with me, and I am very thankful he can love me after this horrible escapade. But our journey is not over yet. I can only be more thankful he is still by my side.
So, until the forth, I am clueless to know if I have been able to successfully conceive. If I had, I should be due in September 2010. But, if I hadn't I fear I might slip into a depression I may not be able to get out of.
Taking bets:
I say September 11th 2010 - boy
My husband: September 13th, 2010 - boy
My friend: December 25, 2010 - girl (says I won't conceive for two more months)
For the few who may not understand what PCOS is, it is the leading cause of infertility in women. Some may not even know they have it. It is, however, very common.
With this diagnosis, accompanied symptoms. Ones that I hadn't thought about, but were. Like hair grown on the body, hair loss on the scalp, weight gain, irregular to no periods, high cholesterol, insulin resistance, and acne.
I had gained 40 lbs in a few months, and had no idea what was going on. It came at me with a vengance. It seemed I had accumulated all the symptoms at once. It was rather embarrassing to me. I mean, here I was, a newly wed, gaining weight, losing hair, and being stressed out. I had never thought it was all part of something "common".
After I was diagnosed, and my wonderful husband helped me through the aftermath of the horrible infertility diagnosis, I gave up. I didn't care I could become diabetic because of this. I didn't care my cholesterol could raise to the point of possible stroke, and at merely 18 years old at the time. I gave up. Completely.
It wasn't until I had gained more weight, and an all-time high weight of 211 lbs. (When I was diagnosed, I was 150 lbs.) I had also been officially diagnosed with type two diabetes. Now, I work with type one diabetics, so I know little about type two, but when I was officially diagnosed, it was like a light flipped in my head. I should not only get better for me, but for kids, and for my husband. I was sick, VERY sick, and I had made myself that way. I had ignored the obvious and used it as an excuse. I was no longer going to allow that.
I snapped into gear. I revved my engine, and drove at an all time high.
I began to work out (at first 6 days a week) and eat healthier. My goal - to have a normal period. I had not had one in a year at this point, and if we were to have kids, this would need to be my first goal. Weight was no longer an issue, just the ability to bear children would be enough.
I worked out. At first, unable to run a mile. I joined the military at a young age, and used to be able to run two miles without hesitation, and now, I was unable to run a mile without feeling as if I would die of suffocation. I felt shameful. (This is just to prove this can happen to anyone.)If I would be able to have a normal period, than I knew that infertility would not be an issue for me. Then the battle would lie solely with weight.
Six months later, I can not only run a mile, but I can do it in 10:38 while working out 3 days a week. I can also, on top of that, go 10 minutes on an elliptical, and jump-rope without breaking a sweat. I have also lost 12 lbs. Over the past 5 months, I have also had three natural periods. Natural. Meaning drugs had nothing to do with them. A feat indeed. I know, 6 months and only 12 lbs - its rather disconcerting, but anything is better than nothing, and another symptom is inefficiency for losing weight. I knew that would be a battle, and just hoped for better health instead.
The better news.
I had a blood drawn and I have also successfully ovulated. Although, with PCOS, we cannot be sure if the follicle developed into an egg instead of a cyst, but we can be hopeful. the fact my hormones were in normal ranges to specify ovulation is a hopeful secure sign.
The opposing side to this rampage-
I had avoided high cholesterol until now. Although getting everything else in check, my cholesterol has sky-rocketed. My husband has been very helpful on this journey with me, and I am very thankful he can love me after this horrible escapade. But our journey is not over yet. I can only be more thankful he is still by my side.
So, until the forth, I am clueless to know if I have been able to successfully conceive. If I had, I should be due in September 2010. But, if I hadn't I fear I might slip into a depression I may not be able to get out of.
Taking bets:
I say September 11th 2010 - boy
My husband: September 13th, 2010 - boy
My friend: December 25, 2010 - girl (says I won't conceive for two more months)
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