As the battle continues

When I began to write this, I hoped to get to those who were as lost as I was when I was diagnosed. I was feeling so motivated since I had worked so hard, and done all I could to get better. That included eating healthier, taking vitamins, working out, and learning everything I could.

I feel that might come to an end.

The symptoms have come back with brute force. The enemy, I fear, is near.

I have been having severe acne, and mood swings like you would not believe. My poor husband has had to endure my wrath, more so than he should. I feel really bad about this. He shouldn't have to listen to me rant on about nothing.

For example - my sister. My sister and I are fighting about nothing. Well, I should specify the battle is mostly one sided on her end. She had promised another family member she would baby sit about a couple weeks ago, and I was unfortunately ill. When she called and requested I take her place on her promise and I refused to watch kids for fear I might be contagious, she flipped out. Since then she has blamed me for everything. She has a history of burning bridges and lying, but I never thought for a moment this would effect us. We had a sisterly bond, and she has left it as if leaving a favorite sweater behind on a vacation. You want it, but you're too proud to turn around and get it.

On top of that, I took a pregnancy test today - negative. Although it's early. I should test the forth, but I fear it is going to be negative. I have been having abdominal cramps again, and that means one of two things - period or PCOS.

I wish I could explain accurately the intensity of my displeasure for this, but I could not give my feelings justice - even if I tried. I feel like I want to cry, or scream, or even both. A year has past since my husband and I have decided to have a baby, and when hope is near, it was snatched away. Sometimes I feel like a higher power is punishing me because of my lack of faith. Then he teases me, than punishes me again. The feeling is.... painful.

However, my working out has improved dramatically. My mile time is 10:54 in high altitudes, without breaking a sweat, which helps me feel better about myself. I also was able to go shopping and buy new pants, a size I have not been in years. Two years to be exact. I haven't felt this good about myself since... never. I even went ahead and spent more money on the good pairs instead of the cheap ones just so I know they will last. Shopping - good for the woman's soul... or mind at least.

For those who are battling the same battle, I wish you good luck. I know how it feels, and how everything is different for us because we can never be sure because of PCOS. Its hard not knowing. Its hard not having definite answers. It's just hard. I just hope my story can help you, and possible even motivate you to do whatever it is your trying to accomplish. Whether it be a baby, or that new job you want.

For those who do not have PCOS, pray, or hope for us is all I ask. This battle is almost a fight that cannot be won. Its a shameful reality, but it's there. I wish there as a way to explain how horrible of a disease this is, and how hard it is to overpower and come to terms with it.

Think of it this way, you're a woman with impossible odds. A reduced chance of having a child of your own, and almost no way to lose weight. Do you have any idea what that does to a person's self esteem? Its... indescribable. All I know is I was 18 years old once, fit - size 8... than four months later I was 40 lbs heavier and emotionally traumatized.

I know there are things to help calm PCOS, and I have tried. I have tried so hard. I work out, I take my meds, I check my blood sugar, and now I feel like all hope is lost. I feel broken, and that feeling is horrible.

So please, all of you, wish me luck, and hope.